How are parents raising resilient kids in an age of constant judgement and conflicting advice? Insight hears from parents navigating generational differences, social pressures and childhood baggage. Watch Insight episode Modern Parenting Tuesday 19 August 8.30PM on SBS or live on SBS On Demand.
Ben Smart, 32, says he has felt like an outlier since becoming a dad at 22.
The evangelical pastor remembers attending an antenatal class and thinking: "Am I the only guy in this room that doesn't have any grey hair?"
Ben and his wife had three children when they were in their early 20s — a decision he says was strongly influenced by their Christian faith.
When it comes to his parenting approach, Ben says he aims for a balance between high love and high discipline.
"A lot of affirmation and love and warmth, but also those firm boundaries that actually help them have guardrails — within which they can flourish," he told Insight.
Ben and his wife with their three children. Source: Supplied
"When we say no, we actually are going to follow through on that..." he said.
Corporal punishment is not legal within schools or educational settings within Australia; but remains legal in most states and territories if it is given by a parent but only if the force used is 'reasonable'.
Ben says that in their family, a "gentle smack" is followed by a conversation, prayer, then reconciliation.
"Our children can trust us when we say: 'you can do this', 'you can't do that'. They know what the consequence is," he said.
"And so, within those frameworks, it gives them a lot of freedom and trust to be able to live."
Ben also places strong emphasis on developing his kids' independence and believes building resilience starts from a young age.
"I think it's certainly been increasingly widely recognised that we do live in an increasingly kind of helicopter parenting mode. And there's a lot of hyper attention on our children," he said.
"Recognising actually our kids are capable of a lot more than we think they are ... We're trying to give them more and more freedom outside the home."
Millennials are parenting differently
Amy Molloy says that discipline can be a "minefield" and for her, is the most difficult aspect of parenting to navigate.
She says millennial parents, like herself, were told not to smack or yell but weren't given clear alternatives.
"It does feel a little bit like we had all our tools taken away, without giving a replacement," Amy told Insight.
"No naughty corner, no taking things away from them if they've done something 'wrong'. But, what are we doing instead?"
She feels this is what is missing from conversations surrounding more 'conscious' and 'gentle' models of parenting.
Amy, who was raised in a strict Catholic household, also believes her generation is making the conscious decision to parent differently to how they were parented.
For her, this involves taking an approach more aligned with 'gentle parenting', which prioritises connection, empathy and positive discipline.
"My kids are wild. I always say they're like outdoor cats. They are not indoor cats ... [They] don't even sit at a table to eat dinner," she said.
Rather than demanding obedience, Amy embraces a parenting style that encourages freedom and autonomy.
"We don't ask [obedience] of them. It's not in my values. I love that they are self-expressive and really know themselves."
Bribes and rewards
Gen Muir is an obstetric social worker and parent educator who says that many millennial parents were raised with harsh styles of discipline.
"Most of us were raised with the sticks — so threats, punishments, smacking, time outs," she said.
"Many millennial parents are ... using bribes and distraction, and reward charts on the fridge, and sort of hoping for the best ... "
Muir says: "When we go to the threats and the punishments, our kids' cortisol goes up and usually behaviour gets worse. It doesn't work, and it creates a disconnect with the bribes and the rewards. It can work, but not when our kids are dysregulated."
Gen Muir is a parenting educator and has four kids of her own. Source: Supplied
"It's basically like: 'I really hear what you wish or want was going to happen right now, and I can hear that you want the biscuit. That's really hard. My answer is no.' And that's quite clear," she said.
"We follow that with empathy: 'You're allowed to be upset about it'."
Muir says this is a method with which parents can learn to set limits with their children. She says her approach is to be really firm about the boundary but to deliver it with kindness and empathy.
Muir also notes modern parenting comes with a lot of pressure, particularly with conflicting information and opinions online available.
She encourages parents to remember self-compassion and balance.
"I apply the information that I teach 30 per cent of the time — not 100 per cent of the time — because none of us are meant to parent sitting on the floor, welcoming every feeling our child has 100 per cent of the time."
"It is not what kids need and it's a recipe for burnout for parents."
'A lack of accountability for students'
Cath Lorenz says she regrets not being stricter with her two now-adult children, and admires how her parents raised her — with firm boundaries and expectations.
"I don't feel I've had that strength or consistency with my own children ... I wish I had been a little bit more consistent, with potential consequences for overstepping those boundaries," she said.
Cath was a teacher for 25 years and says she observed significant changes in students' behaviour throughout that time.
"There's a real difference in the concept of respect, and there seems to be, these days, a lack of accountability for students," she said.
Cath left her teaching career due to feeling there was a lack of support in managing students' behaviour.
"If there was a student who was dysregulated or having trouble, for whatever reason, it was back on me. It was 'my fault, I wasn't trying hard enough'."
"When I used to spend so much of my time worrying about my students outside of my school time that I wasn't giving my enough time to my own children — and that had to stop."
Cath left the teaching profession due to feeling there was a lack of support in managing pupils' behaviour. Source: Supplied
Building resilience early
Ben recognises it can be hard to "let them have some independence and not be watched all the time" in city settings.
But living in a suburban area, he and his wife now encourage their children to go down to the local shops to pick up the odd grocery item.
"And so we say to the three kids: 'Hey, here's a $10 note'.
"Go down, pick up some milk, you can have a dollar worth of lollies each."
He said this provides a bit of incentive and excites the kids and they look forward to it.
"Our oldest is like: ‘Oh my goodness, this is really scary. I'm anxious.’
"And yet she did it. And she was so proud of herself."
And for more stories on sex, relationships, health, wealth, grief and more, head to Insightful — an SBS podcast series hosted by Kumi Taguchi. Follow us on the SBS Audio App, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
